surrounded by pain
feelings of guilt
the never ending memories
of what was
and what should
it’s hard to think about
pushing on for longer
facing more pain and fear
drowning in it
suffocating in reality
pushing down on you
until your flat
against the pavement
every bone is numb
but it keeps going
it won’t allow you to forget
it won’t give you a breather
you can’t control it
you can manage it
you will manage it
you have to manage it
I am overwhelmed with psychical and emotional pain that I feel numb. I’m accepting it though and allowing it to be okay. In the end you have to remember that it’s okay to feel whatever your feeling. You are allowed to have emotions and reactions. Feelings are okay. It takes me awhile to drive that into my brain because from a young age feelings weren’t okay. They were frowned upon. I want to change that. Feelings make us human. So let’s be human. Let’s express our deep love and passion for things. Let’s shout at the top of our lungs at the top of a mountain because we just got dumped. Let’s cry it out when we are feeling depressed. Don’t bottle it up and hide it. Feel it. Acknowledge it. Set it free. I’m trying my hardest to accept reality. Accept what is happening inside and outside of me. Acknowledging my anxiety and depression, my fear and sadness, I crunch it up into a ball and place it across the room. I can see it. I acknowledge it’s there, but I am not allowing it to negativity effect me. I am trying to see it from a different point of view.
Have you accepted something recently that was hard to accept? Did it feel good?
For some reality is everything for others it’s pure fear.
What is it for you?
Do you ever feel like one minute your on top of the world, nothing matters and you are so happy. Suddenly you come crashing down and you are gripping to the very edge. Praying you were different. Praying you didn’t have to feel this way, feel this low about your life and yourself. It comes in waves. Uncontrollable waves. I never see it coming. I get no red flags. I am not in control of my life, and I am doing everything in my power to have control over it. But everyday keeps remaining different. There is no consistency. Everyday for me is literally a new day. An uncontrollable 24 hours. 7 days a week. The one thing I do have control over is taking care of myself. That means a daily routine that I try to stick too. A simple routine that hopefully won’t trigger anything. Sleeping schedule, eating healthy, pampering myself, baths, lots of water & exercise. However some days it’s just not enough. It can come and go. It’s left before, a few times. Creeped up when I’m in bed alone. Walking into the grocery store or simply brushing my teeth. It will drag me down, deeper than I can imagine. It controls my brain. Thoughts. Actions. It isn’t easy for me and it isn’t easy for the ones I love. I feel like a walking time bomb. I’m not sure where to go or what to do. What should I be doing? I feel like somedays I do too much and it takes a toll on my body. Then I feel like I’m useless and I’m not enough. That is the most annoying part about it. It grabs ahold of your entire soul and says fuck you I’m taking over. Well you know what. You won’t win forever.
The last thing I want to be doing right now is writing and thinking about what to write. I’ve been sitting here for a few hours now trying to put together something creative, fun, inspiring. Something that will catch readers attention. However sitting here constantly thinking about it has gotten me no where. So I decided to just start typing, I’m not sure where it will go. I’m feeling so overwhelmed. Every single day. I’m trying to keep busy, make plans and exercise but all my body wants to do is sleep. That’s the power of the mind and the body. I can use my coping skills to drive things into my brain and think a certain way, then my body kicks in and says no, your going to stay in bed all day. Have about 3-5 anxiety attacks and maybe take a shower. Okay thank you for deciding for me and changing my plans.
I want this blog to be a place of comfort and release. For me and my readers. I want to feel free in what I write and publish. My intentions are not to offend anyone or anything. When I write it releases thoughts good and bad. It allows my brain to feel a bit of ease. Because most of the day and through the night my mind is racing with all of the what if’s and what not. So throughout my day I like to release myself from what I call “hell”.
Mental Health is such a big part of my life and should be a big part of yours too, I will never stop spreading awareness. If anyone reading this needs help or just wants someone to talk to, don’t hesitate to contact me.
Why do we hide our emotions? Our emotions are what makes us human. Why are we hiding that? Why do we walk around with our heads down feeling ashamed of our emotions? It’s the most absurd thing. I have personally been told many times that I need to hide my emotions, and that what I am feeling isn’t actually what I am feeling. “Excuse me, don’t you try to tell me what I am feeling. Are you kidding me right now?”. Thats my exact response to everyone and anyone that tries to tell me my emotions are wrong. Sorry, but no! Not going to happen.
It took me a long time to realize that emotions are okay. Multiple counsellors had to work it in to my brain that its okay to feel the way that I do and that I am not crazy. Still to this day I struggle with accepting emotions, but I think that’s always going to be a working progress.
Emotions are normal and they are okay. Do not let anyone tell you different. You are allowed to feel the way you do. Emotions define us. They allow us to feel. Emotions involve both a mental state and a psychological state. They help people understand us. Why hide it? Why hide something that defines us as humans from other humans? It just doesn’t make any sense to me.
So be H-U-M-A-N, let your emotions show. Don’t hide them. Be free, we as humans need to feel free.